When communication fails…communicate some more!

Alan and I are both suffering from really really¬† bad bouts of depression for the last several months (for entirely different reasons). Unfortunately neither one of us have gone to see someone to talk to about it, nor have we gone to the doctor to see about meds. I normally take Zoloft for my depression as a daily preventative for my migraines; but alas I am almost out… and I’ve been uber horrible about taking them on a consistent basis for like the last year (because I suck).

So things have been kinda rough for us for the past month or so. We haven’t been as cuddly, we’ve been kind of quick to anger, and in general we’ve been a little, well, not “us.” And it fucking sucks! I miss the way our relationship the way we’re used to it! Because our relationship usually is lots of hand holding and groping and sex and laughter and little touches and kisses and kittens and rainbows dammit! And we haven’t had rainbows for a bit now (booooo).

So a few weeks ago we sat down and had the uncomfortable conversation of what was on his mind that needed fixing in our relationship. Namely, I’ve started seeing a new person (I know I know.. I need to seriously update you guys on all this!!!) and I didn’t communicate with Alan effectively about it. Which is totally my bad and something¬†I need to work on. The issue is, is that with his being hard wired mono, I never know exactly what to say to him, ie how much details to give him. So I point blank told him that, finally, and he told me, finally, what he needs. He needs me to tell him when I’m dating someone new. Don’t skirt around the issue and be all like, “I’m gonna go hang out with my friend Te,” which really means, “so yeah… I’m going on a date with Te and possibly doing other stuff but I don’t want to say that because I don’t want to hurt you or punch you in your crazy.”

So there it is, I’m dating, casually???, Te. And I’ll dive more into that whole thing later.

The other reason that this upset Alan is because when I originally told him that I was crushing on Te, I said that I told Te that it wasn’t exactly the best time to be getting in a new relationship. Which it wasn’t. I’m dealing with family issues, Alan’s kitty recently passed away (a major contributing factor to his depression), and we’re both dealing with depression so things between us are a little shaky. But instead of only saying “It’s probably not the best time to be getting in a new relationship” I should have followed up that thought with “But I’m going to do it anyways.”

After our conversation there was a lot of reaffirmation of love and promises to endeavor to be better in communicating things (on my end), and other such necessities.

Then this past weekend was my turn to tell him what I’m missing and what I need: more physical reaffirmation. I miss the making out (like you couldn’t tell from my previous post) and the hand holding and kissing and all the little touches and all that stuff (see above). Unfortunately me telling him about what he’s NOT doing made me think that I was eluding to me leaving him… which is sooooo NOT what I was trying to say! The exact opposite actually! What I was saying was: hey you there! Alan! I love you, like a whole metric fuck ton, and I need you to put your arms and lips and other parts of you close to me and on me so that I can feel your love!

So there it is… communication. And it kinda failed a bit… so we had to do more of it. I have to assure him that I’m not gettin luvins elsewhere while he’s all depressed, and I need him to assure me that his luvins are coming my way soon-ish.

Basically the whole point of this post is this:: talk to each other for crying out loud! You need to have the difficult talks! If either of you just fucking skirt around the issue, then you’re not telling your partner what you need from them. And that is disrespectful to you, your partner, and your relationship. If you’re going to have a relationship, and especially if you’re going to have multiple relationships, then have the balls to have the fucking difficult talks. Be an adult!!!

*endrant*

“I’m in like with you”

Ah… the feeling of falling in love with someone. Or rather, what we perceive to be “falling in love,” which is really falling in lust and the awesomeness that is NRE (new relationship energy).

Let’s expound upon these concepts.

Can you really fall in love with someone at first sight? Maybe? Perhaps? Possibly? But highly, incredibly unlikely and/or rare. So then what is that feeling? Those butterflies in our tummy fluttering its wings around, that heady rush we get just by thinking of our new beau? Many call it New Relationship Energy (or NRE). It’s a biochecmical process that sends dopamine and endorphins crashing into our brains, giving us the feeling of elation and attachment. It’s what allows us to bond with a new partner; Nature’s way of pairing us up so that we might copulate and produce offspring. We literally become addicted to a new partner; and we’re supposed to feel this way. Humans are meant to pair up for optimum opportunity at reproducing (a woman is pregnant for nine months and it takes 18+ years to raise said offspring), and so they need a partner that wants to stick around to help raise the child and provide for both the mother and child. So what does Nature do to ensure this happens? She makes us addicted to them early on, creating the feeling of “love” during the infancy of the relationship.

So what we perceive to be love at first sight really isn’t love (usually); but that’s not to say that love doesn’t develop. Nature has her ways to make that happen too. Lust leads to like which leads to love (in an optimum setting). But she’s sneaky and most of the time we fail to really perceive the differences between these stages (which can be a good thing I feel).

So why do I bring this up? Because for a lot of people, especially those that aren’t poly, worry when they start crushing on a new person when they’re already in an established relationship. They meet someone and BOOM! Fireworks! And for the mono wired person, they’re like “WTF? Why am I feeling this way?! Am I falling out of love with my partner?” A shit ton of questions start bubbling up inside of them leaving them confused and guessing and generally messed up in the head because they’re afraid that they all of a sudden no longer love their steady. This isn’t the case! You still love your partner (more than likely). You’re just feeling the first inklings of NRE. You’re crushing on someone. And your long time steady relationship has evolved from that initial rush of endorphins to a more steady stream of love (which coincidentally doesn’t have as much chemical reaction in our brain… or rather a different chemical reaction).

Many people misinterpret this new feeling and hastily end their current relationship to run towards the NRE. This isn’t necessary people!!! You still love your main squeeze! No need to end things! Maybe you’re just in a rut. Maybe you miss that feeling of learning a new person. Maybe after a few years of being together, possibly popping out a few kids or acquiring furbabies, dealing with mortgages and bills, and seeing your partner’s (s’) bathroom habits, you feel that “the magic” is gone.

You can get that feeling back if you try! It won’t be necessarily the same as when you first met, but you can rekindle that fire! But it takes effort! Just as love takes effort. Just as anything worth having/doing takes effort! Don’t be lazy people!!! Try! “But Polyleigh,” you may be asking, “how do I get it back?” Well dear readers, here’s my idea: MAKE OUT MORE!!! See, simple.

For me anyways, I miss making out!!! When we first meet someone and are getting to know them everything is an exploration. You’re learning their favorite color and band, you’re figuring out where/if they’re ticklish, you’re discovering their body and what they like/don’t like. A million moments of new, and you are being bombarded by all this stimuli. That’s the rush! That experimentation and discovery. For me, this includes a lot of time making out in cars (it’s kinda my thing.. my kryptonite. Make out in a car with me and I turn to putty). All the kissing and heavy petting…. the act of edging closer and closer to fucking, but not actually going all the way… I fucking love that! A lot of times I’d rather make out than have sex. Why? Because of all the anticipation, all the build up. It’s the promise of what is yet to come that thrills me. You and your partner are taking the time to focus on the entire process, the whole body, not just the naughty bits. Our brain is vital to the sexual process. You have to mentally stimulate your partner (this is especially true for me) if you really want to get them “there”.

Just because you know where the button is (the O button in this case), doesn’t mean you just willy nilly go right to that damn button and start pressing it. Where’s the fun in that?! Most of us need to be warmed up! I liken myself to an old car: I need to be petted and talked to, urged on by my “driver”. Coax me into it, and once you get me properly warmed up, then I’ll purr like a kitten and give you the ride of your life. But if you just cold start, yeah, you may get to where you need to go, but the journey isn’t nearly as fun (at least for me it isn’t). I want to arrive with you, I want to gush my orgasm in tandem with yours; and if you just fuck me without the mental stimulation, my body may orgasm (may), but my mind won’t, and in the end, it won’t be the crazy awesome orgasm either of us was hoping for.

I think that’s what’s missing for a lot of couples… we need to remember the journey. It’s not a sprint people, it’s a marathon. Quickies have their place, don’t get me wrong; I love a fast romp just like the next person, but in the end I want to connect with my partner. I want to experience the all with them. Our skin is our largest organ, and it is incredibly sensitive. So explore it people!!! Touch it, lick it, pinch it, hold it firmly between your hands, lightly trace your fingertips on it, use various fabrics and textures to see how your partner reacts to them. You’ll be amazed how heightened their sensitivity is to your once you do get down to doing the nasty! If you build up to that moment where you actually fuck/make love/have sex/etc, rather than just going straight to it, you’ll discover that spark that initially drew you to your partner in the first place.

Also, eye contact! Look your partner in the eye as your kissing and touching one another. Of course there will be times when we close our eyes to concentrate, or throw our heads back in ecstasy, but take the time to actually look at your partner/s. Say their name too! You’ll be amazed at how much harder your partner will cum when they hear their name. You doing so reaffirms that you are enjoying the experience with them, not just enjoying the experience itself. Those two little things are ways to really connect with another. And for gods sake, kiss!!! A lot!!! All kinds of kisses, the devouring each other kind, light brushes of lips all over the body and face, firm lipped kisses, all the kinds!!!

So yeah…that’s about it boys and girls. Polyleigh’s tip for the day. Fucking make out more!!! It’s not just about bumping uglies ya’ll. Remember how you responded to one another when you first started dating- all the hand holding, the little touches and blushes, the sideway glances, the nervous smiles and giggles, all those little moments. DO THAT!!! Do it a lot! LIke a metric fuck ton of a lot! And I promise you, you’ll find that spark again. Even with the stresses of life… because you had stresses when you first got together, you just didn’t give a fuck because you were in this new thing of awesomeness! Be awesome again people! I have faith in you! You can do it!

Now go! Explore! Make out! Steam up some car windows! Find a spot to snog with your person/people. Shut out the world for a while and actually focus on your partner/s. You’ll be blown away by how connected you’ll feel, how much more turned on you’ll be, and how much harder you’ll cum. Just sayin….