loss of love

Things with K have abruptly ended; he just sort of stopped talking to me with no explanation. Part of me really wants to confront him and ask him why? but I realize that asking why is fairly pointless; it doesn’t matter what his reasoning is. Bottom line, he dropped off the face of the planet (as far as he’s concerned with me anyways) and never said goodbye or here’s why I need to end this relationship or whatever. Nothing. Zero. Radio silence. I understand life happens. I understand we all get busy with family, friends, work, issues, whatever. But to not receive a single fucking text, email, call, smoke signal, nothing, for over two months. That’s just ridiculous. I’ve lost my cat (Alan’s kitty actually,,,but I’ve been with Petey for four years now, so he’s kinda mine too), my mom has been in the hospital multiple times, and I just celebrated my 38th birthday. And during none of these events did K so much as bother to send a text saying “hope you’re ok.” And that hurts. It’s fucking sucky to think that someone I shared my love with cares so little about me. I feel used. I feel cheated. I feel dismissed. I feel small.

I’m used to the fact that he’d go for long periods of time non-communicado. He always gave some half assed explanation- oh my phone has been wonky tended to be the one used most. I’m sorry…. in this day and age he could have reached out to me in more ways that just text/call. He has my email, he has a work phone, he has facebook. He has all the things. And he failed to make the effort.

I think that’s what bothers me most. I really made the effort in this relationship. I was constantly the one reaching out to him in a variety of ways, and he only minimally responded. So of course now I think to myself, “why did I allow myself to be used like this?” I got enjoyment out of the time we were together, so I guess that’s why I allowed bad behavior to continue. For a few hours when in his presence I felt special, desirable, loved. And then he’d be gone for a month or more, and I’d be left questioning and over-analyzing and lamenting.

so stupid. I’m a kick ass woman. I love with all of my heart. I’m an amazing friend and lover. I was a really good friend to him (because more than anything friendship is always the foundation of any relationship to me). I work really hard at not being too demanding or “high maintenance” to anyone around me. And I don’t feel that seeing a partner at least once a month and conversing every day (even if it’s just a text to say “good morning” and “sleep well”) is too much to ask for . But apparently in this case it was.

So now I suppose it’s over, and I have no idea why. I miss K. I miss his smile and especially his eyes. I miss kissing him and listening to music together. More than anything I miss his friendship. But I can’t help but wonder if I really ever had his friendship? Because he seems to be a good friend to the other people in his life, so I’m not sure why he acted in such a way towards me?

I’m having similar feelings of loss with Scot. I know we’re divorced, and he’s moved on with GG and may already even be married to her (I don’t know), but for knowing someone for twenty years, it kills me that he’s not even bothered to say “happy birthday” or “hope you’re mom is ok” or anything. I know he needs time as is usually the case after a divorce, but it still sucks. He was my best friend. We have been through hell and back together, but I guess he’s lost forever. It breaks my heart.

I understand that people come into and out of our lives when we need them/have learned our lesson from their presence. Life is cyclical and it happens. We lose people so that we may make space for something new and necessary to enter into our lives. But it doesn’t lessen the hurt any. It doesn’t make it any less sucky when someone that we love and care about steps away from our life.

I’m sorry dear readers. I’m just in a bit of a dark space lately. And I have so much to be thankful for. But the depression and daily migraines and the rigamaro of life is making it hard at times to celebrate when being bombarded with heartache and bullshit.

There is so much muddling around in my brain. I have so much I want to write. I just have to find the time and open myself up enough to let it flow out. I really want to write a new chapter/story for my novel to share with you all. Yup… let me focus on sex and sensuality.. that will most definitely cheer me up. 🙂

Love y’all!


radio silence……..

Ok, so I know we all get busy. I know I’m horrible about keeping in touch with people that I think about often. I should text more, or email more, or heaven forbid, call and visit with said loved ones. I even buy and make cards for people…though I forget to actually send them out. I still have a congratulations on being pregnant card for my friends that I’m the “other wifey” of, and a “you’re getting married yay!” card for my be fri. Said baby is like 9 now. And my be fri has been married for over a decade. I kinda suck as a friend sometimes.

But, if I’m in a relationship with someone (as in we want to be a part of each other’s lives on a permanent basis), one would expect that we should communicate with each other most every day, and hopefully see each other at least once a week? I think that’s the bare minimum needed to keep a relationship healthy and viable. Does that seem like a crazy request?

I love K dearly; very very very dearly. I’m so happy that we are in each other’s lives. There have been times when communication between us has never been better; when I feel that we’re really getting to a good solid foundation in our path. We still haven’t exactly labeled whatever it is that we have. We’re in love with each other and want to be a part of the other’s lives for like forever. We have a great time geeking out about shit like Doctor Who; we love listening to music together; we can sit in the car and talk for hours… when we’re together birds sing and the sky is blue and the all that jazz.

But…. whenever we see each other it seems like he drops off the face of the planet for like a month or so (sometimes months, sometimes just for weeks on end). And of course this leaves me wondering and paranoid! “Did he not like my kissing all of a sudden?” “Did I do something wrong? Does he not like or love me anymore?” Questions questions questions! I get all frantic and my heart starts racing thinking that I’ve somehow majorly fucked up and he’s not wanting to talk to me for some unknown to me reason. The racing thoughts spiral out of control which can lead to depression and I kind of have a mini freak out. Said freak outs have gotten less severe the more this has happened. I’m just sorta starting to expect it…and that’s not necessarily a good thing to expect from a life partner.

Basically the conversation in my mind goes like this:
“Dude! he’s dropped off the planet! gravity stopped working for him and he’s fallen off the planet and is floating in space like sandra bullock in ‘gravity!’
i must save him! waaaaa!!!!” *Runs around trying to figure out how to find floating K and make gravity pull him back*

I think part of the problem is my passion. I am a VERYYYYYYY passionate person. I’ve been told by countless people that I can be a little overwhelming and/or intimidating/aggressive with my passion. I can’t help it. I’m kind of one of those balls to the walls, all or nothing, give 100 gazillion% of myself in all that I do. And for people that tend to be a little bit more reserved with their feelings, it can freak them out (so I’ve been told).

K says that I’m the most loving and passionate person he’s ever known. He is pretty reserved with just about everything. It usually takes awhile for him to open up when we hang out. Once he does everything is fine, but the longer we go between visits, we have to start the process of getting him to open up to me allll over again! I think it can be a little frustrating for both of us. I know he wants to let go and be himself with me, especially b/c he doesn’t feel that he can in most other facets of his life. And I get frustrated thinking that he doesn’t feel like he can be himself around me.

It’s this viscious stupid cycle. After like fifteen minutes of chatting and a hug or two, I can see the tension leaving his shoulders, and the smile is no longer forced but lights up through his eyes when he looks into mine. The conversation leaves the plane of “how have you been” to deeper undertones of us, of feelings, of desires and hopes and dreams. We get into a space where the world becomes a backdrop for us: the music playing becomes a reflection of our discussions, echoing what is in our hearts; as if the universe is playing a soundtrack that is meant for he and I. And we both always notice it and smile. Touching each other becomes more carefree, and I can feel happiness emanating like warmth from our skin. And I instantly feel weightless. I love those moments with K. I love any of those types of moments in life, and I feel blessed when I feel that with him.

But then when the evening ends and we part to go our separate ways, and then there’s radio silence for some period of time. He says it’s because when he’s away from me everything sucks so badly for him. He misses me so much and it’s like coming down after a drug induced high when he’s not with me. So he gets all insular and weighed down with life again. And he feels guilty for feeling so damn good when he stepped out of his life for a while (to which my response is “Why would you feel guilty? It’s a good thing!”). So I tell him the solution to his problem is simple, spend more time with me!!! But life gets in the way, and I understand that. But I think maybe when he’s away from me texting me or emailing me isn’t quite as intense as when he’s with me in person, so the “high” isn’t as high for him? So maybe that’s why he doesn’t respond as quickly? I’m not really sure (yeah.. this post is totally turning into a stream of consciousness.. sorry about that). He says that family and work and life happening has done some sort of crazy that has prevented him from contacting me. However, I feel that it doesn’t take but a few minutes a day to just send me a little email, or surprise me with an actual phone call!!! I’d love to hear his voice!

To just know that a person that I love is thinking about me… it means the world to me. Which is why I know I should text my friends more and let them know I’m thinking of them. So I’ve been trying to reach out to people. Today I reconnected with a very dear person whom we lost touch with for the past like four years due to crappy circumstances. But I”m hoping that this initial contact will result in a rekindled friendship.

So K, and dear readers, freaking text y our partners on the daily! call them every once in awhile. And keep the line of communication open for gods sake!!! Don’t keep us hanging- otherwise I’m looking to the heavens to see if you’re floating out there with depleting oxygen!!! 😉 I know that when we have multiple relationships we can’t always spend as much time with our partners as we may want to, but it is vital to talk on the regular, and see each other; to touch base and say “I love you” or “I’m thinking about you” or whatever. Just DO IT!!! 🙂