loss of love

Things with K have abruptly ended; he just sort of stopped talking to me with no explanation. Part of me really wants to confront him and ask him why? but I realize that asking why is fairly pointless; it doesn’t matter what his reasoning is. Bottom line, he dropped off the face of the planet (as far as he’s concerned with me anyways) and never said goodbye or here’s why I need to end this relationship or whatever. Nothing. Zero. Radio silence. I understand life happens. I understand we all get busy with family, friends, work, issues, whatever. But to not receive a single fucking text, email, call, smoke signal, nothing, for over two months. That’s just ridiculous. I’ve lost my cat (Alan’s kitty actually,,,but I’ve been with Petey for four years now, so he’s kinda mine too), my mom has been in the hospital multiple times, and I just celebrated my 38th birthday. And during none of these events did K so much as bother to send a text saying “hope you’re ok.” And that hurts. It’s fucking sucky to think that someone I shared my love with cares so little about me. I feel used. I feel cheated. I feel dismissed. I feel small.

I’m used to the fact that he’d go for long periods of time non-communicado. He always gave some half assed explanation- oh my phone has been wonky tended to be the one used most. I’m sorry…. in this day and age he could have reached out to me in more ways that just text/call. He has my email, he has a work phone, he has facebook. He has all the things. And he failed to make the effort.

I think that’s what bothers me most. I really made the effort in this relationship. I was constantly the one reaching out to him in a variety of ways, and he only minimally responded. So of course now I think to myself, “why did I allow myself to be used like this?” I got enjoyment out of the time we were together, so I guess that’s why I allowed bad behavior to continue. For a few hours when in his presence I felt special, desirable, loved. And then he’d be gone for a month or more, and I’d be left questioning and over-analyzing and lamenting.

so stupid. I’m a kick ass woman. I love with all of my heart. I’m an amazing friend and lover. I was a really good friend to him (because more than anything friendship is always the foundation of any relationship to me). I work really hard at not being too demanding or “high maintenance” to anyone around me. And I don’t feel that seeing a partner at least once a month and conversing every day (even if it’s just a text to say “good morning” and “sleep well”) is too much to ask for . But apparently in this case it was.

So now I suppose it’s over, and I have no idea why. I miss K. I miss his smile and especially his eyes. I miss kissing him and listening to music together. More than anything I miss his friendship. But I can’t help but wonder if I really ever had his friendship? Because he seems to be a good friend to the other people in his life, so I’m not sure why he acted in such a way towards me?

I’m having similar feelings of loss with Scot. I know we’re divorced, and he’s moved on with GG and may already even be married to her (I don’t know), but for knowing someone for twenty years, it kills me that he’s not even bothered to say “happy birthday” or “hope you’re mom is ok” or anything. I know he needs time as is usually the case after a divorce, but it still sucks. He was my best friend. We have been through hell and back together, but I guess he’s lost forever. It breaks my heart.

I understand that people come into and out of our lives when we need them/have learned our lesson from their presence. Life is cyclical and it happens. We lose people so that we may make space for something new and necessary to enter into our lives. But it doesn’t lessen the hurt any. It doesn’t make it any less sucky when someone that we love and care about steps away from our life.

I’m sorry dear readers. I’m just in a bit of a dark space lately. And I have so much to be thankful for. But the depression and daily migraines and the rigamaro of life is making it hard at times to celebrate when being bombarded with heartache and bullshit.

There is so much muddling around in my brain. I have so much I want to write. I just have to find the time and open myself up enough to let it flow out. I really want to write a new chapter/story for my novel to share with you all. Yup… let me focus on sex and sensuality.. that will most definitely cheer me up. 🙂

Love y’all!


Finally able to speak

I don’t know how many readers still visit my blog. It was private for the past many months because of the divorce proceedings- I didn’t think it was appropriate to divulge information during the process. My divorce from Scot has been finalized and I am now able to discuss my life for the past year.

Scot asked for a divorce a week before Valentine’s Day and two weeks before my birthday. Needless to say, February was an awful month for me. It took me somewhat by surprise as he and I had been desperately trying to work on our marriage and come to some sort of balance with his both being married to me and dating/living with GG.

She moved into our house last December, though she had been pretty much living there since November. I felt displaced- being forced to sleep in the guest room because they were sleeping and fucking in my bed, the marital bed. I couldn’t deal with the situation so I basically moved in (unofficially) with Alan then, and then once the divorce was under way I completely moved out. That was a hellacious endeavor in and of itself.

Scot and GG were truly awful during this time period.Tempers flared, voices were raised, screaming (by me) in my car in frustration and hurt… you know.. stuff like that. My family had major health issues while all this was going on, so it only compounded to my stress and anxiety; it’s no wonder I was having migraines daily.

I think a contributing factor to Scot’s behavior was I don’t think that he was able to truly mourn for the loss of our marriage, of a twenty year friendship, of us. We’ve been linked together for so long in some form or fashion, and when all this went down he wasn’t able to really show that he was missing me or us at all for fear of wrath from his gf. So for whatever reason he decided to take out his frustrations and hurt on me and lashed out any time we had to correspond. More than angering me it just made me sad for him.

Anyways, long story short, we saw each other for a brief moment at mediation and I think it triggered something in both of us. Instead of trying to be cold and distant, we both reached out to the other and expressed the need to resolve our differences with compassion and without an angry court battle. When we sat down to sign the papers we actually joked and bantered for a few minutes. It was the first time we had really seen one another in half a year. I saw him for a brief moment at the mediation and quickly looked away because I was so nervous. So much so that I went into another room for the remainder of the proceeding. It felt good to actually just be civilized and US for a few moments, even though we were both visibly shaking from nervousness.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be close friends again. I’d like to hope one day we might be? I know it’ll never be the same… too many feelings have been hurt. This divorce about killed us both I believe.

I still believe that polyamory can work, it just didn’t work in my marriage. Scot couldn’t be poly- he is capable of loving more than one person at a time, but is incapable (at least so far) at sustaining multiple relationships.

Alan and I are still together and it has been an amazing three years! I couldn’t ask for a better partner to share my life with. It is wonderful getting to see him every morning when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. I absolutely love getting to snuggle up with him and drift to dreaming every single night. I always hated being apart from him. I still have to finish unpacking my life and getting rid of most of my shit (not enough space and honestly I just don’t need most of that crap). Slowly we are building our home together, and I couldn’t be happier.

Tomorrow I’ll write a much happier and more fun post. Things have been so awesome as of late (gotta have the good to temper the yucky right), and I finally see the rainbow through all the clouds.