When communication fails…communicate some more!

Alan and I are both suffering from really really  bad bouts of depression for the last several months (for entirely different reasons). Unfortunately neither one of us have gone to see someone to talk to about it, nor have we gone to the doctor to see about meds. I normally take Zoloft for my depression as a daily preventative for my migraines; but alas I am almost out… and I’ve been uber horrible about taking them on a consistent basis for like the last year (because I suck).

So things have been kinda rough for us for the past month or so. We haven’t been as cuddly, we’ve been kind of quick to anger, and in general we’ve been a little, well, not “us.” And it fucking sucks! I miss the way our relationship the way we’re used to it! Because our relationship usually is lots of hand holding and groping and sex and laughter and little touches and kisses and kittens and rainbows dammit! And we haven’t had rainbows for a bit now (booooo).

So a few weeks ago we sat down and had the uncomfortable conversation of what was on his mind that needed fixing in our relationship. Namely, I’ve started seeing a new person (I know I know.. I need to seriously update you guys on all this!!!) and I didn’t communicate with Alan effectively about it. Which is totally my bad and something I need to work on. The issue is, is that with his being hard wired mono, I never know exactly what to say to him, ie how much details to give him. So I point blank told him that, finally, and he told me, finally, what he needs. He needs me to tell him when I’m dating someone new. Don’t skirt around the issue and be all like, “I’m gonna go hang out with my friend Te,” which really means, “so yeah… I’m going on a date with Te and possibly doing other stuff but I don’t want to say that because I don’t want to hurt you or punch you in your crazy.”

So there it is, I’m dating, casually???, Te. And I’ll dive more into that whole thing later.

The other reason that this upset Alan is because when I originally told him that I was crushing on Te, I said that I told Te that it wasn’t exactly the best time to be getting in a new relationship. Which it wasn’t. I’m dealing with family issues, Alan’s kitty recently passed away (a major contributing factor to his depression), and we’re both dealing with depression so things between us are a little shaky. But instead of only saying “It’s probably not the best time to be getting in a new relationship” I should have followed up that thought with “But I’m going to do it anyways.”

After our conversation there was a lot of reaffirmation of love and promises to endeavor to be better in communicating things (on my end), and other such necessities.

Then this past weekend was my turn to tell him what I’m missing and what I need: more physical reaffirmation. I miss the making out (like you couldn’t tell from my previous post) and the hand holding and kissing and all the little touches and all that stuff (see above). Unfortunately me telling him about what he’s NOT doing made me think that I was eluding to me leaving him… which is sooooo NOT what I was trying to say! The exact opposite actually! What I was saying was: hey you there! Alan! I love you, like a whole metric fuck ton, and I need you to put your arms and lips and other parts of you close to me and on me so that I can feel your love!

So there it is… communication. And it kinda failed a bit… so we had to do more of it. I have to assure him that I’m not gettin luvins elsewhere while he’s all depressed, and I need him to assure me that his luvins are coming my way soon-ish.

Basically the whole point of this post is this:: talk to each other for crying out loud! You need to have the difficult talks! If either of you just fucking skirt around the issue, then you’re not telling your partner what you need from them. And that is disrespectful to you, your partner, and your relationship. If you’re going to have a relationship, and especially if you’re going to have multiple relationships, then have the balls to have the fucking difficult talks. Be an adult!!!



8 thoughts on “When communication fails…communicate some more!

    • thanks so much! Will you be in the Atlanta area in June for the Atlanta Poly Weekend? If so please come to my panels. I think you’d find a lot of interesting stuff at the convention. 🙂

      • Hadn’t heard of it until it now. How big is it? Is there anything of the sort in Boston? Good luck with the panels. I’M A CHUBBY BUNNY AND I LOVE SEX sounds particularly interesting. 🙂

        • Last year was my first year attending, and I had my own panels to boot! One of the classes that went really well was “Poly with Mono partners.” It was interesting to hear the questions the audience had for my boyfriend b/c he’s hetero and monogamous. For once he was the minority! Ha! but it was pretty cool helping others figure out how to deal with their poly situations by opening up about my own *which is a big reason why I have my blog*

          I hope I have a good turnout for the Chubby Bunny class. I think it’s so imperative to learn to be comfortable with your body, to embrace it fully, so that you can find pleasure in yourself and to open up to your partner so that you can feel all of the pleasure they wish to give you. So often we get stuck in our heads… “what is he/she thinking of when they’re between my thighs?” “Are they noticing my stretch marks or whatever?” Stuff like that. If we allow ourselves to get wrapped up in or hang ups, we’re missing out on the full experience of the moment that we are trying to share with someone. And that’s just insanely silly!

          This is the 4th year *I believe* for APW. You might want to look into the poly community in boston to see if y’all have anything. Though you could always travel to ours if you have the means. I think last year the furthest traveler was from Australia! Pretty fragging awesome!

          • Honestly, most men and women will say the same thing: there’s nothing sexier than a person who just owns their body.

            I have been everywhere from 115lbs to 170lbs. And I’ve had body issues at a size 5 and body issues at a size 18.

            But if I can smile and know that whatever size I am I’m exactly as I should be at that moment, my partner(s) will think my confidence is sexy as fuck and will be way more likely to also think my extra fluff or parts I may not generally like are sexy as fuck.

            Bc let’s face it, just having a person willing to be naked in front of us is sexy and beautiful.

  1. Communication is a must, honesty is s necessity….you should always be open in any relationship especially a romantic one….hearts are intertwined. I always say “the strength of a relationship is in the ability to hear others truths” but it the truth is too hurtful then the relationship won’t last. So be harshly honest and test your relationship daily against the truth, it will strengthen your relationship as will as passion. As far as the depression, once you suffer from it you must work daily at making yourself happy. You have to live and Love hard than most. Your true medicine will be happiness and the dose is daily searches for it. So, massage your partner, cook, seduct him regularly….that’s you cure.

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