Alan and I are both suffering from really really bad bouts of depression for the last several months (for entirely different reasons). Unfortunately neither one of us have gone to see someone to talk to about it, nor have we gone to the doctor to see about meds. I normally take Zoloft for my depression as a daily preventative for my migraines; but alas I am almost out… and I’ve been uber horrible about taking them on a consistent basis for like the last year (because I suck).
So things have been kinda rough for us for the past month or so. We haven’t been as cuddly, we’ve been kind of quick to anger, and in general we’ve been a little, well, not “us.” And it fucking sucks! I miss the way our relationship the way we’re used to it! Because our relationship usually is lots of hand holding and groping and sex and laughter and little touches and kisses and kittens and rainbows dammit! And we haven’t had rainbows for a bit now (booooo).
So a few weeks ago we sat down and had the uncomfortable conversation of what was on his mind that needed fixing in our relationship. Namely, I’ve started seeing a new person (I know I know.. I need to seriously update you guys on all this!!!) and I didn’t communicate with Alan effectively about it. Which is totally my bad and something I need to work on. The issue is, is that with his being hard wired mono, I never know exactly what to say to him, ie how much details to give him. So I point blank told him that, finally, and he told me, finally, what he needs. He needs me to tell him when I’m dating someone new. Don’t skirt around the issue and be all like, “I’m gonna go hang out with my friend Te,” which really means, “so yeah… I’m going on a date with Te and possibly doing other stuff but I don’t want to say that because I don’t want to hurt you or punch you in your crazy.”
So there it is, I’m dating, casually???, Te. And I’ll dive more into that whole thing later.
The other reason that this upset Alan is because when I originally told him that I was crushing on Te, I said that I told Te that it wasn’t exactly the best time to be getting in a new relationship. Which it wasn’t. I’m dealing with family issues, Alan’s kitty recently passed away (a major contributing factor to his depression), and we’re both dealing with depression so things between us are a little shaky. But instead of only saying “It’s probably not the best time to be getting in a new relationship” I should have followed up that thought with “But I’m going to do it anyways.”
After our conversation there was a lot of reaffirmation of love and promises to endeavor to be better in communicating things (on my end), and other such necessities.
Then this past weekend was my turn to tell him what I’m missing and what I need: more physical reaffirmation. I miss the making out (like you couldn’t tell from my previous post) and the hand holding and kissing and all the little touches and all that stuff (see above). Unfortunately me telling him about what he’s NOT doing made me think that I was eluding to me leaving him… which is sooooo NOT what I was trying to say! The exact opposite actually! What I was saying was: hey you there! Alan! I love you, like a whole metric fuck ton, and I need you to put your arms and lips and other parts of you close to me and on me so that I can feel your love!
So there it is… communication. And it kinda failed a bit… so we had to do more of it. I have to assure him that I’m not gettin luvins elsewhere while he’s all depressed, and I need him to assure me that his luvins are coming my way soon-ish.
Basically the whole point of this post is this:: talk to each other for crying out loud! You need to have the difficult talks! If either of you just fucking skirt around the issue, then you’re not telling your partner what you need from them. And that is disrespectful to you, your partner, and your relationship. If you’re going to have a relationship, and especially if you’re going to have multiple relationships, then have the balls to have the fucking difficult talks. Be an adult!!!