I was recently told that the Japanese call chubby girls “chubby bunnies.” I think that is precious and makes the marshmallow game even more interesting and fun. If you don’t know what the chubby bunny game is, you and other people stuff marshmallows in your mouth and try to say “chubby bunny.” Just be careful, it’s easy to choke. True story.
So yeah, I’m a chubby bunny. I’m all of five feet flat (and I swear I think I’m shrinking). I’ve got an hourglass shape (or am I a pear? I can never figure it out) with curves that go on for days. I’ve been this way since puberty. In high school I dreaded gym because the shorts we had to wear were tiny. I was made fun of for having such thick thighs and a big butt. I just tell people I’m pocket sized awesomeness! And I was a sexual person as a teenager, which of course being female was considered a bad thing. I was called a slut daily.
As I went through college and into adulthood I had multiple partners; and I still held on to this belief that because I like sex, I mean, I reallyyyyy like sex and intimacy and making out and all the rest, and because I often have multiple partners, that I must still be a slut.
I read this from a FB post last night: http://www.alternet.org/im-fat-40-and-single-and-ive-been-getting-laid-crazy , and it got me to thinking. Hellz yeah this woman rocks my socks off! She is comfortable and confident in both her body and her sexuality. That is fucking sexy as hell!!
This is the type of person I try to be. Fuck fat shaming and screw slut shaming. I am a highly sexual being and I love to share and express my sexuality, my friendship, and my love to those that want to share in my journey with me, and I honestly am old enough and wise enough to not give a flying fuck about what others think.
Yes, I always am surprised when a skinny person or really fit person are into me. But I’m genuinely surprised when anyone is into me. I’m such a dork. I’m clumsy and silly and nerdy. I’m kinda spastic at times. And I have no fucking filter. But you know what, I am me and I’m confortable with me. I love being me. And I try to surround myself with people that I can love openly and accept me for all of my kookiness.
So yeah. I’m a chubby bunny. I am attracted to all sorts of people. And I’m comfortable with my sexuality. But it’s forever a work in progress. Society screams at us that we, especially as women, have to get approval from our culture for acceptance about our sexuality, for the amount of sex we have, for the number of partners we have, and what we consider a sexual encounter (and thusly trying to prove or disprove that an occurence is “sex”). Society tells us what is ok and not ok sexwise; that as a woman if I like sex that there is something wrong with me, yet if I don’t like it, then I’m a prude. Men want take the madonna home to their mother and out in public, but have a whore in the bedroom. The ideals are conflictory. Yes we can be both, but why is it acceptable and encouraged for men to have sexual prowress and conquests, but women are to be demure? It’s an antiquated double standard.
And then when you throw being poly into the whole mix it adds another level of ridicule/acceptance/judgement/opinions, etc. People automatically assume that I sleep around with random strangers because I’m poly. So what if I do? I don’t, but what if I did? Would that make me any less of a person? Would that change your opinion of me or think me less valuable if I liked having sex with random people? Why? What business is it of yours? What business is it of mine what you do? Answer: absolutely none.
I’m in a committed relationship with Alan. This makes my openness of sex quite a bit more complicated. Hell, I’m a nudist naturally and I have to censor myself because we have two male roommates and Alan doesn’t want me just helter skelter walking around in my skivies.
There are times where I may want to make out with someone I just met, or have known for a long time, or a little time. But there is always the concern how will this affect him? How much responsibility do I have in ensuring I don’t break his heart or his brain (a lot of responsibility), knowing that I have given him full disclosure of who I am, and how much responsibility do I have to myself at being true to me (an equal amount of responsibility)? Don’t get me wrong, I love Alan with all of my heart, and I would never want to hurt him. He makes me unbelievably happy, and I couldn’t ask for a better life partner. He knows that I reallyyyyyy love making out with people. Even if I couldn’t have full on sex (and I should clarify, I consider oral part of making out… I know it’s an outdated modal of thinking, but it’s just the way my brain works- part of the justification as a teenager about what is sex and not sex), I’d still want to pet, make out with, kiss, almost everything with people of my choosing; and I’m picky about whom I choose. It is this twisted tightrope dance of should I tell him when I’ve made out with someone; how detailed should I be; how much does he really want to know? I want to be very open in communication, yet at the same time I don’t want to hurt him. It’s very very very difficult.
And then there are friends of mine that I’m attracted to, and they’re attracted to me. But their relationship with their spouse/s.o. is very closed. I’ve got friends that can’t even hang out with me because their partner would be so jealous that they’re spending time with someone that is not them. So then I don’t get to see this friend anymore, and it turns into an online friendship. This is extremely heatwrenching for me- to have a friend that I used to be able to spend time with, and now can only converse online. But I’ll take what I can get because I don’t want to miss out on having some sort of friendship with these people. But it really really sucks. I hate that our society is so prudish, jealous, and unforgiving that so many people feel that they have to dictate their partners’ actions- have to tell them whom they are allowed/not allowed to see. It makes me sad that we cannot openly express our feelings of emotion or physicality with someone that we like because we’re in a relationship.
I am a sexual being, and I feel a lot of sexual things for a lot of people. No, I don’t want to sleep with everyone, or even most of them. But there are quite a few people that I want to kiss or make out with or play with, and I hate that not only do I have to contend with society shaming me for it, but that it will undoubtedly hurt the person I love. If Alan wanted to be with another person, as long as he continued to show love and appreciation for me, as long as he committed himself to me, I would be ok with him loving someone else. If it made him happy I’d be happy for him.
But I’m not most people apparently. And it’s difficult for people that aren’t poly to understand the way those of us that are work.
My name is Polyleigh. I’m a chubby bunny. I love sex and being intimate with various people. And my boyfriend kinda really wishes I wasn’t poly.