Finally able to speak

I don’t know how many readers still visit my blog. It was private for the past many months because of the divorce proceedings- I didn’t think it was appropriate to divulge information during the process. My divorce from Scot has been finalized and I am now able to discuss my life for the past year.

Scot asked for a divorce a week before Valentine’s Day and two weeks before my birthday. Needless to say, February was an awful month for me. It took me somewhat by surprise as he and I had been desperately trying to work on our marriage and come to some sort of balance with his both being married to me and dating/living with GG.

She moved into our house last December, though she had been pretty much living there since November. I felt displaced- being forced to sleep in the guest room because they were sleeping and fucking in my bed, the marital bed. I couldn’t deal with the situation so I basically moved in (unofficially) with Alan then, and then once the divorce was under way I completely moved out. That was a hellacious endeavor in and of itself.

Scot and GG were truly awful during this time period.Tempers flared, voices were raised, screaming (by me) in my car in frustration and hurt… you know.. stuff like that. My family had major health issues while all this was going on, so it only compounded to my stress and anxiety; it’s no wonder I was having migraines daily.

I think a contributing factor to Scot’s behavior was I don’t think that he was able to truly mourn for the loss of our marriage, of a twenty year friendship, of us. We’ve been linked together for so long in some form or fashion, and when all this went down he wasn’t able to really show that he was missing me or us at all for fear of wrath from his gf. So for whatever reason he decided to take out his frustrations and hurt on me and lashed out any time we had to correspond. More than angering me it just made me sad for him.

Anyways, long story short, we saw each other for a brief moment at mediation and I think it triggered something in both of us. Instead of trying to be cold and distant, we both reached out to the other and expressed the need to resolve our differences with compassion and without an angry court battle. When we sat down to sign the papers we actually joked and bantered for a few minutes. It was the first time we had really seen one another in half a year. I saw him for a brief moment at the mediation and quickly looked away because I was so nervous. So much so that I went into another room for the remainder of the proceeding. It felt good to actually just be civilized and US for a few moments, even though we were both visibly shaking from nervousness.

I don’t know if we’ll ever be close friends again. I’d like to hope one day we might be? I know it’ll never be the same… too many feelings have been hurt. This divorce about killed us both I believe.

I still believe that polyamory can work, it just didn’t work in my marriage. Scot couldn’t be poly- he is capable of loving more than one person at a time, but is incapable (at least so far) at sustaining multiple relationships.

Alan and I are still together and it has been an amazing three years! I couldn’t ask for a better partner to share my life with. It is wonderful getting to see him every morning when I wake up and every night when I fall asleep. I absolutely love getting to snuggle up with him and drift to dreaming every single night. I always hated being apart from him. I still have to finish unpacking my life and getting rid of most of my shit (not enough space and honestly I just don’t need most of that crap). Slowly we are building our home together, and I couldn’t be happier.

Tomorrow I’ll write a much happier and more fun post. Things have been so awesome as of late (gotta have the good to temper the yucky right), and I finally see the rainbow through all the clouds.

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6 thoughts on “Finally able to speak

  1. Leigh, I’m happy for you. Live and love. May Scot and GG find what they are looking for, as may you and Alan. Poly is an ongoing, ever visiting, always communicating relationship…just like mono relationships, one just doesn’t have the luxury of presuming he or she knows what is going on in the relationship. Now that I think of it, one doesn’t have the option in any relationship. Live it and be happy!

    Yours,
    Hayden

    • Hugs sweetie. I want Scot and GG to be happy, I honestly do. I just miss my friend and hope one day we might be able to be friends again.

      But as you say, I am living my life and I’m doing what I can to make myself and those around me happy.

      Much love to you and yours

  2. You’ve clearly been through a lot. My marriage ended in March, and one of my lovers’ marriage is currently ending. Mine was a mono relationship, hers was a poly. Lots of hurt feelings in both cases.

    I hope you’ll continue chronicling your relational journey. We can all learn so much from each other!!

    Thanks for sharing. šŸ™‚

    • I feel it is important to show the reality of relationships, especially one that is as misunderstood as polyamory. No relationship is utterly safe; all are subject to ups and downs. We just have to commit to working on relationships of any type if we want them to be functional and fulfilling.

      I am sorry to hear the end of both you and your lover’s marriages. That so sucks. Good luck to you both. hugs!

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