Ok… so I got hit on and asked out by the barista today. Conversation went something like this.
Barista: are you still seeing that guy?
me: yes. are you still with you gf?
Barista: yeah, but I was hoping we could get together.
me: are you in an open relationship?
me: then nope.
I’ve had this happen before. A person knows that I’m poly and immediately thinks it is not only ok to hit on me (Barista started talking about how he’s fantasized about going down on me. Whoaaaa dude! You barely know me!!!) but that I’m somehow going to excuse them from cheating on their significant other for a little side action??? WTF?
So let me make this abundantly clear; and please note that this is just me. I’m not speaking for any other poly person, or for any other person. Just myself.
I do NOT do casual sex. I don’t judge people that do. If that’s what you’re into, as long as no one is getting hurt, then do as you please. However, I can’t and will not do that. I form emotional attachments very easily, and I grew up believing that to sleep with someone was a way to get them to fall in love with me. Now, obviously that is erroneous thinking on my part, but that’s what I thought when I was a young teenager. I can’t just have sex with someone I don’t care about. I have to be really close friends with you or dating you. Hell, just kissing someone, for me, involves a level of attachment and close connection. I’m not all running amok helter skelter shoving my tongue down people’s throats or dropping my panties. I’m just not wired that way. Again, it’s cool if you are wired that way, but I’m not.
I informed the barista that I am polyamorous, and that I believe in full disclosure. I have cheated on partners, and have been cheated on by partners, and it sucks. I fucked up horrifically and epically in the past with relationships. I am a grown ass woman, and if I am going to do something as intimate and important as kiss you, sleep with you, be in a relationship with you, then I demand that you be a mature person about it as well. I am nobody’s dirty secret! Our bodies are sacred and I will treat the experience with you thusly. I demand to be treated the same. If someone is in a closed committed relationship, I’m not going to help you cheat on your partner. Again, I’ve done it before, and it’s a weird feeling.
Additionally, I am in an amazingggg relationship with my partner. And I’ll be damned if I’m going to purposefully do something stupid to fuck it up. I don’t care how adorable you are or how many compliments you give me. I speak very openly with Alan, and if I am interested in someone, I talk to him about it.
Case in point:
K: Alan has known for quite awhile now that I am wanting to date K. K and I have liked each other for a long long time. We’ve had a connection since the first moment we met. At the time it wasn’t right for either of us to be considering dating each other, so we didn’t pursue it. We flirted and talked, but that was it. Alan met K, and he feels that I wasn’t forthcoming about my feelings and my wanting to date K when he was introduced to K.
This is something I am still dealing with. I have apologized multiple times, but to Alan I didn’t handle the situation appropriately. And I feel like shit for it. So of course it’s put a bad taste in Alan’s mouth at the mere thought of K and I dating.
Add on top of that that K has kinda been an ass to me quite a few times in the past, making me cry- a lot; and that he hasn’t seemed to put in as much effort into our relationship as Alan thinks he should. This had led to Alan not really wanting me to date K. To him, if someone is not investing in a relationship with me as much as Alan does, then why should I give myself to that person. And I get it, I understand Alan’s hurt and frustration with the situation. But he loves me, and he knows that K is very important to me, so he’s tryingggggg to get past his hang ups and come to terms with me dating K. It is a sensitive subject to say the least.
K has come leaps and bounds from when we first starting talking about being together. I expressed my concerns (him dropping off the planet for months at a time with zero communication with me being the biggest hurdle) and he is making strides at doing better. And for the most part he’s been muchhhh better. We are texting each other almost every day. And in my opinion, if we’re going to have a real full-time relationship (not that we can see each other every day, but have the type of relationship that is full and healthy and loving) then there needs to be communication every day. And we need to see one another like once a week or every other week, minimum.
K and I both suffer from debilitating depression and migraines. So I understand that sometimes it requires a lottt of effort to want to do anything more than cry and sleep. However, Alan has built a life with me and my issues- we’ve been together three years, and I plan on spending the rest of my life with him. And I know that K has a life outside of me, and I’m cool with that. But in order for “us” to work, changes are going to have to be made. We have to both feel invested in this, and we have to both put in a great deal of effort to make this work. Why? Again, because I don’t do casual. K and I have both professed a deep love for one another, and if that is the case, then we have to both contribute equally to this endeavor. I hope it works. I really really do.
So yeah, that’s my little world at the moment.