A lot of people I’ve seen that are “poly” seem to partake in the primary/secondary/tertiary… Dynamic. When Scot and I got back together, and especially when we got married, he wanted to be “primary” bc he’s the husband. And he felt this way for a long time even when Alan and I started dating. But I can’t work like that. Alan deserves just as much respect, devotion, and consideration in my life as Scot does. Neither one is more or less important than the other. If either tried to say something stupid like “you have to stop being with” the other, they’d quickly realize they’ve found themselves in quite a predicament. Because I refuse to do that. Neither is expendable. My love for each of them is full and complete and wholly separate from the other.
Scot I think is starting to realize what that feels like now that he has GG. Yes, I’m his wife and I was his first relationship, but his love and relationship with GG are just as important and valid and amazingly special. They’re spectacular together and completely made for each other. I’ve never seen him as happy as he is with her. Sparks fly off of them like a girl taking a belt sander to a steel chastity belt!
I would never in a million years think that I had the right to ask, or worse demand, that he break it off with her for any reason. If there is ever a problem between he and me, then it is something we have to work out or not work out. It wouldn’t affect his relationship with her. I wouldn’t want it to. I’m never going to pull the, but I’m the wife! Card. That’s just fucking ridiculous. We have to communicate if we’re feeling insecure or have some sort of issue or whatever, but that’s true of any and all relationships.
Your post hits very near and dear to my heart. My version of poly could never function with someone having carte blanche veto rights. My partner can discuss their reservations about someone and we will talk about what kind if compromise we can come up with together, but I expect to have an equal say in any and all things that affect my life. Because I can only control me- not anyone else.