Welcome to the flip side!

Ok, so for pretty much all of the time I’v e been “actively” poly- i.e. being in an actual poly relationship, I’m used to being the primary. When it was BN, Scot, and me back in college, BN had two other girlfriends, but I eventually became his primary. And I was a big ol fat hypocrite, so I didn’t let Scot have any additional girlfriends; though he was still in love with his best friend from high school.

Anyways, I’m pretty used to my elite status as primary. And having both Scot and Alan, it’s like having your cake and being able to eat it too. I try to be hypersensitive and aware of being equal, especially when the three of us are together. Kiss or hug one? Immediately I’ve got to do the same for my other partner.

Enter the lovely GG (gods I love this girl!). Three turns to four! yay! Our family is complete, and it feels so wonderful!

It’s funny and enlightening to me though- seeing her and Scot’s relationship. I’m starting to see how he sometimes felt when it was he, Alan, and I. Sometimes, even though I’ve tried really hard to be fair, he felt like a third wheel. Last week Scot, GG, and I went out for dinner and a movie. I drove us all. Poor little GG was freezing, so I told Scot to sit in the back and keep her warm. So I played chauffer- it was kinda cute actually. So they’re all nestled together in the back- which was totally fine with me.

We went to see Frankenweine (such an adorable movie!). They were holding hands and whispering the whole time- also adorbs. Scot was eating popcorn, so most of the time he wasn’t holding my hand. Butery popcorn fingers on me, no bueno. He put his hand on my knee for a few minutes at one point. After the movie we went to dinner and they sat together, and I was on the opposite bench. I felt a little sting from Mr. Green. But to be fair, Scot always sits across from me when we go out to eat.

It’s just that all night they were all smooshed up together, and I never got “next to Scot time.” I don’t know why, but I was a smidge jealous. Which is totally stupid I know! I’m so excited for the two of them, and I love GG so much. But for one brief second I felt like somebody stole my favorite well-loved, well-worn toy. And I absolutely HATE that I felt that way for even a second. i talk to Scot about it afterwards, and told him that he needs to learn to manage two girls at once. GG and I call him the midget wrangler! Basically GG and I are like kittens. We both want to be adorable and cute and crave attention all the time. And we have our favorite toy, and we dont’ always want to share. But share we must, taking turns is a part of polyamory. And like kittens, you have to make sure you give lots of love and attention and pettings to all kittens.

It’s so silly that I would feel that way for even a moment. It makes me mad, because I would never want to do anything that would upset either Scot or GG. I love both of them so much. I love that they’re together. I love how true and pure and amazing their love is. And of course they’re all swoony and adorable together! They’re in their honeymoon phase; I can only hope that they will always feel such love for one another.

That night was both positive and negative. Feelings were hurt all around, but they’ve all been resolved. I have to remember that sometimes I can be a little too brash, a little too blunt.  I need to be sure that I’m considerate and thoughtful. And Scot has to learn the flipside of polyamory. He has to learn how to navigate having two girls at the same time. 😉

So listen close boys and girls. Polyamory can be a little tricky from time to time. Sometimes things will go along swimmingly, and sometimes there are little hiccups. But the point is to communicate. For everyone to talk and be open and honest. We respect one another’s feelings, and we listen and try to make things better. This is a learning process for each of us. Our family will grow and flourish, and every day together is a blessing.

I love you Alan. I love you Scot. I love you GG. The four of us are an amazing family now. We are so blessed to have each other. Thank you all for being in my life.


14 thoughts on “Welcome to the flip side!

  1. It’s so interesting to read this post after reading one of your first posts about “Jealousy: The green little monster rears its ugly head.” Who would have thought that three months after that post, you’d be wrestling with jealousy too? If you were to re-write “Jealousy” now, do you think you would say anything differently?

    I’m glad to hear you followed your own rules and immediately and openly communicated your feelings to get everyone on the same page again!

    • I figured at some point jealosy would pop up and that green monster would attack me. I think I’m handling Mr. Green pretty well though. I don’t believe that I would re-write my jealousy post at all. I think this experience has made me realize even more that jealousy doesn’t go away- we battle it, and we pray that we manage it and overcome it.

      I am glad that I got to have this experience, to be reminded that I used to be a VERYYYYY jealous person; and I have come a longggg way from those days. And it lets me, and Scot, know that I do still love him, and do still feel at least a little possessive from time to time. We have to remember, that it is apathy that is truly the worst. If my heart didn’t feel anything if my partner was with another person, then that would mean that I don’t care about my partner anymore. I just know how to check my jealousy, and be happy for Scot and GG. His love for her has no direct effect on his love for me. I know he loves me, and he always will.

        • It really has! It makes me really look at my relationship with Scot, and we recognize how our love has grown over the years. It is such a trusting and comforting love. And I feel so blessed that he gets to complete the type of love he needs with GG. They are just amazing together!

          And when I look at my relationship with Alan I know that I am complete. His love is so amazing and strong.

          And with GG it’s such a warm and fuzzy type of love. She loves Scot with all of her heart, and I love her for it. She is sweet and caring. She’s like a sister and a beautiful third to my and Scot’s love.

  2. Being a jealous person myself, I know how difficult it is to handle it discretely.
    What about Alan? Did you try to make up for the lack of Scott’s attention with Alan or were you too focused on Scott? I would imagine it would be easier to make it more of a double date when the four of you are together and then have time set aside for you and Scott on your own. Would that not work?
    Forgive me if I am way off, I obviously don’t have experience in this.
    I’m sure it won’t be the last time there is a bit of jealousy. It is difficult to share something you hold dear, heck, I think twice about sharing my stuffed animals with my kids. 🙂 Good luck, I’m sure you guys will make it work.

    • That particular night it was just Scot, GG, and me. I definitely don’t feel Mr. Green coming after me if we’re all four together. But even then, Scot and I know to still pay attention to each other, even when we’re with our other partner. It really is a dance; and it takes work. Being successful at polyamory takes work! It doesn’t happen overnight! the good thing is, is that it is sooooo obviously apparent that we all love one another (even though Alan and I aren’t dating GG, we still love her and think of her as family)! We truly are becoming a very close and loving little familial unit. It’s so amazing and so awesome. I feel so incredibly blessed to have these three people in my life.

      And yes dmcates, I’m with y ou when it comes to my stuffed animals. Unfortunately, one of my kitties has a “special” relationship with my stuffed panda. He likes to hump my poor Bear Bear. So weird. Apparently nothingggg is sacred!

      And thank you for the well wishes. I know my lifestyle isn’t for everyone. I get that and respect that. All I’m asking for is the same rights as other couples. I want to b e an advocate for this marginalized group, to dispel myths and misconceptions that so many people have about this form of love.

      Thank you dmcates for reading my blog!

    • thank you so very very much. I’m just trying to live my life the way that works for me and my partners. And I’m trying so hard to fulfill my purpose in life. I feel that God wants me to show others that there is not just one way to love; there’s not just one way to look at the world. We should be so much more respectful and loving and accepting of others, and it saddens me that humans are so damned mean sometimes.
      It means a lot to me that you continue to read my blog, and continue to gain some sort of inspiration from it. Thank you so very very very very much.
      Bright blessings to you and yours.

  3. I am also used to being primary as my longest relationship wasn’t poly to begin with, I just fell for someone else and it all came together. I have had jealous moments when my other boyfriend has gone on dates. He has no other serious partners yet not even sexually but he is looking. I am worried I will freak out when it happens. So a very lovely post to read indeed. It is hard to share and I have the highest respect for people who feel jealous and know how to deal with it, communicate and resolve it. (I try and handle it the same).

    • If this is the first time that your partner is dating someone other than you, then of course you’re going to have jealousy issues! of course you’re going to have moments when you are unsure and get emotional.

      It’s ok! Let me repeat this, it’s ok and it’s normal!

      Learning to curb your jealousy takes a long time. It takes trial and error, it takes practice. You will make mistakes. Just ackowledge it and don’t get caught up on it. It gets easier sweetie. Just breathe and take it one moment at a time.

      Good luck love!

  4. I love that you’ve made your relationship so accessible to us! I didn’t initially understand or totally agree with the concept behind polyamorous relationships, but this post makes it easier to understand. I hope everyone appreciates your willingness to compromise, because that’s (one of) the cornerstone pieces of any successful relationship. Many blessings to you & your family 😀

    • Thank you so much! I truly believe any successful relationship is partly so because of the willingness to compromise and communicate. Even when we disagree, there is no fighting, no raised voices… we just sit down and talk about it. There is no need for anger or hostility. All opinions, feelings, and believes are valid.

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