A different perspective

So… I was at Starbucks yesterday and encountered an amusing situation (it was funny to me at least). I grabbed my tall non-fat no whip hot chocolate and sat down in a chair, pulled out my Kindle, and began reading for class: “What Was She Thinking: Notes on a Scandal” by Zoe Heller.  After a bit a handsome older gentleman (early 40s) asked if the chair next to me was taken. “By you apparently,” I told him. He laughed, and I told him it was fine, that my imaginary friend wouldn’t mind if he sat there. He again laughed and asked if I was serious. “No.” I then made more jokes, and we struck up a conversation.

There were a pair of much older men sitting at a table near us. They overheard our conversation (because I’ve got a loud mouth) and started laughing as well. Some of the conversation included me talking about my fat ass (I’m aware that I have a very large derierre, and I’m fine with it), and I did talk about my husband and boyfriend. So the more we talked, the more I had the three men in stitches.

Eventually the two guys at the table left, and it was just me and the other guy. Each of us in a separate chair, facing each other perpendicularly. Then his girlfriend/wife/lady friend…some sort of woman that he knew, came in and made her way to the table next to us. Now let me describe this woman: probably in her forties, blonde, skinny, tan, fake nails, very pointy shoes with spike heels, etc. You know…the “typical” beautiful white American suburbian woman. She clearly did not look happy to see her man sitting next to me (there were plenty of other empty chairs around the place, but we were in the only two comfy squishy chairs).  He tells her that I’m the one that’s been having him “in stitches for the past half hour”. She looks at me with utter female contempt, gives me a fake fake fake smile, and sits down.

She crosses her legs and arms, and positions her body towards the man, clearly trying to “mark” her territory. Now you have to understand.. I’m sitting in my chair, my body is positioned away from the guy. He’s seeing me from the side, not the front. I have my Kindle in my hand and lap, and my bookbag is on a table between us. So it is very clear that  my body is not giving off any sort of posture that says “come hither please sir.” She apparently doesn’t care. I’m talking to “her man” and is obviously peeved, as if I’ve done some sort of personal affront to her. I lower my face and giggle silently.

I can tell that the guy is obviously uncomfortable with her presence. He gets up from the chair and sits in the chair across from her. He says something that I laugh at, and she rolls her eyes. He calls her out and she of course denies it (because it would mean she’d have to admit that she’s being a bitch). Again I have inner laughter at the situation.

They eventually get up to leave b/c she is sooo clearly pissed at his laughing at my jokes and she somehow believes he must be attracted to me. (Uhhh.. I’m 5feet flat, quite curvy, crazy frizzy wavy hair, and I am sooo not normal pretty… so I have no clue why she would be intimidated by me). He tells me it was a pleasure to meet me, shakes my hand, and they leave.

I just laugh at the whole encounter. I made conversation with three strangers that happened to be men. I could have just as easily made it with three women. But because it was of the opposite sex, it apparently means that I’m only talking to them so that I can get in their pants?! What?!!!! Um no! I’m just talking to people b/c I like to talk to people. There isn’t some hidden ulterior motive for me.

This situation made me start to think. Why do people (mainly monogamous people from what a friend of mine told me) get so jealous when they see their significant other talking to someone of the opposite (or same depending on the orientation) sex? Why do they automatically fear that the stranger is trying to “take them away”? Can’t people just talk to each other? If I go up and strike up a conversation with someone, can’t it just be because I thought they might be interesting (or maybe I’m bored, or whatever). Very rarely is it me wanting to jump someone’s bones.

So yeah.. just wanted to share a funny anctedote. What would you do if you saw your main squeeze talking to someone else? Would you freak? would you start talking to the other person? Etc.

As always, hugs and love, Polyleigh

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5 thoughts on “A different perspective

  1. As a formerly very jealous woman, that still struggles sometimes I can tell you in the past I would not have liked it. It was based on fear due to men in the past cheating on me and one in particular who basically made me into an insecure girlfriend by taking every opportunity to try and bang people behind my back, while acting EXTREMELY jealous and possessive of me talking to anyone myself. Like if I stepped off to use the restroom in a restaurant or something I’d come back to him securing someone’s phone number. It really stressed me out. Looking back I have no clue why I stayed with him. He eventually impregnated another girl while we were still together. I’ve come a LONG way, I think, but I still have my moments.

    My ex husband made me feel insecure because he wouldn’t have sex with me, and he said it was due to looking at porn so often. So everytime I saw him look at another woman I was sure he must find her more attractive than me. It didn’t matter if she actually was, HE must be thinking so. I think sometimes people get cheated on and just become so afraid to feel that kind of pain again that they fear any situation where their loved one is in contact with the opposite sex. Its definitely a bad place to be.

    So I doubt her anger was actually directed towards you. It was probably more a distrust of him. Who knows how he or others have treated her in the past? I agree its something she should work on and needs to let go of and obviously its not YOUR fault in any way, but I do understand.

  2. I understand it too. I used to be a very jealous person. But I’ve learned that a lot of my jealousy was based on me being insecure about my body, about feeling unworthy, and such. I’m projecting MY insecurities onto someone else. And that’s not fair to the other person.

    I have learned that I have to trust my partners. If I love them, I have to trust them. Especially if they haven’t given me a reason to distrust them.

    And if they have given me a reason, then it’s something we need to work on together. And if I decide to stay with said person, then I have to try and trust that they won’t do it again if they really love me and want to be with me. If I forgive someone of a misdeed, I can’t keep throwing it in their face every time we have an arguement. I can’t keep obsessing over it (which is normal for me b/c I have OCD). If we’ve agreed to work it out, then I have to once again put my trust in that person and not jump to crazy conclusions. Of course, I understand that the logical brain, and sentimental heart, sometimes don’t exactly coincide.

    So I totally get it. I dont’ know what the couple’s situation is/was. I just thought it was interesting to note the interaction.

    I trust my partners. Yes, the little green bastard named “Jealousy” does momentarily prick me from time to time. But I have learned to check it at the door and tell him to F*** off.

    But I totally get the reaction b/c I used to be that way. I’ve been cheated on, and I’ve cheated. Like I’ve said many times before, I am farrrr from perfect. But I try to actually learn from my mistakes.

  3. Yes, and I honestly believe my little foray into polyamory is what is hlping me the most to work on that jealousy. I’m being forced to confront and deal with it and to recognize that it can be harmful to my purpose.

  4. I am guilty of this…as recently as two weeks ago!! I was helping Jake out at an event, literally putting in 16 hours a day for him, generally getting no attention. The latter isn’t often a problem, but these events are not of a shared hobby of ours at all, and while he knows everyone, I don’t know anyone. Sometimes I like to be acknowledged…well…I was working on something and noticed he was standing nearby with his arm around some Pretty Young Thing (for longer than a friendly “hi, howyadoin'”), and then he was rubbing her back — WELL! I finished what I was doing, got up to use the washroom, when I came back out they had finished their conversation but I was a complete bitch and said “so, who’s your friend??”

    I felt guilty for feeling jealous after that. I am struggling with feeling like I’m the “girl at home” who kind of has to sit around and hope he has time for me, and him going out to his events/with other people.

    In your situation, I’m not sure how I would have reacted. Jake is definitely an extravert, while I’m not — I’m the freak of introverts, too, INTJ, who literally still does not read social cues at all and doesn’t ever think to talk to people 😛 — so I’m used to him talking to strangers, male and female. I guess it was that extra bit, that arm around some girl I didn’t know, when I was already feeling vulnerable…I reacted poorly, I can admit it 😡

    • Alana, we all have moments like this. Where no matter how confident we normally seem, sometimes the little green envy monster (aka little green fucker) pokes at our heart when we might least expect it. Don’t beat yourself up about it sweetie. You recognized the jealousy, and that’s what’s important. Gods know I still get envious and jealous at times.

      Hugs and kisses sweetie.

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