There has been ENTIRELY too much drama and heartache and stress and negativity and ..blech… revolving around this “thing” with K. We were both tearing each other up; and it was completely unnecessary. We love each other as friends, and I know we feel something more than just friendship for one another. We have chemistry, we enjoy one another’s company, we like hugging and flirting and kissing. But it doesn’t have to be insane! Neither of us need to fret at the mere thought of seeing one another.
However, we don’t need to rush things. We don’t need to make shit complicated. I think we both got wrapped up and engulfed in the awesomeness of the energy, emotion, newness of everything. I think we got carried away. That isnt’ to say that the emotions weren’t real. Quite the opposite. But I think we both made it far more crazy in the beginning than it needed to be. I don’t want someone’s love for me to be like flash paper- a quick brilliantly bright flash of flame, but then it is gone as soon as it was lit, an illusion of magic without truly being magical. I want someone’s love for me to be long-lasting. A flame that raises higher and higher, but even when dims, remains steadfast, constant, warm. And if that means I need to slow down, to let him set the pace, I can do that. K has been my friend for two years. But it’s always been something more, something undefinable. We don’t need to label it, we dont’ need to push it. Just have fun, hang out, hug, flirt, maybe kiss. It doesn’t need to be this huge thing. Certainly not at the start.
I mean, if he decides later that he wants to say those three words or whatever, then cool. Fine. But even then it doesn’t have to change things. Yet, it is important to note, once you tell someone you love them, especially if you say that you are in-love with them, that’s not something that you can take back. There is no “backsies” on something like that. You can try to focus on the friendship aspect, but you can’t completely ignore it and pretend it was never said. At least I can’t. If someone tells me something that important, and swears that it is true and honest, then I must believe that their sentiments and emotions are truly that way and will remain that way (especially if they promised and swore an oath as such).
So I will hit the reset button. I will try to let go of the hurt and pain, of the roller coaster of emotions that have been the last few weeks. I will try to imagine the good as a fantastic dream that I had while both awake and asleep for a short while. And the horribleness, I will try to just forget it. Or at least not dwell on it every single freaking moment.
I will try to be slow and patient. I will try to remember that K has his own ghosts to exorcise. He has to come to terms with his own life. he has to experience parts of life that I have known, and he hasn’t. I can’t fix him. I can only provide friendship and love and understanding. I can only try to help him if he asks for it. So i hope, I hope hard, that things will get better, be better, grow. I hope love finds a way. I hope love alwayssss finds a way.
And I have to remember to not be insensitive to Alan or Scot. I feel reallyyyy horrible. I said something yesterday that hurt Alan’s feelings, and I felt so awful about it! I immediately apologized and realized that I had pushed his buttons. So please readers, remember that what you say can really affect people (negatively and positively). Be careful about what you say. Your words have power to hurt, heal, instill love and hope, or crush someone’s heart. So be mindful dammit! Don’t make me come smack you! 😉