So…. things have NOT been going so well lately. I got Scot and Alan to both agree to letting me develop this whatever it is with K, and then K freaks the hell out and says he can’t be in another relationship- aka, he basically pulls the plug on us before we really even get it off the ground. This has utterly devestated me. “But why” you ask? “It’s brand new, so it shouldn’t be a big deal” you say. Well…not necessarily. You see, as I said before, K and I have liked each other for quite a long time now. there’s been friendship and attraction and killer chemistry that’s been brewing and bubbling between us for like two years now. Add to that that this is the first time since I started dating Alan that I’ve actually truly considered trying to take on another sort of something.. and it makes things VERY complicated.
Basically K said he can’t do a relationship. My question was and still is… who the hell said anything about wanting a “relationship!?” Certainly not me! Then he says that it’s way too intense, way too fast. He’s not sure if he wants to love me as much as he does; he’s not sure if he can handle being “soooo” in love with me (his words). So basically, the boy is scared shitless. I get that. He’s young (I know.. I’m so going to hell. Stop looking at me with your judgy eyes!!!) and he thinks he has allll the time in the world. I on the other hand, am in my late thirties, and I realize that things don’t need to be quite as complicated and drama filled as he’s making things out to be.
I told him from the onset: I can’t and don’t want to have a third full-time relationship. Yes, I love him dearly and I care about him as a friend and more. But I’m not asking him to give up his girlfriend for me (far from it!). I’m not asking him to totally rearrange his life for me. I’m just wanting him to give US a chance. Give this journey, this dance that we have between us, the ability to be experienced and nurtured. He said he can’t see me three and four times a week. It’s giving him panic attacks and such. I totally get that! I’m not asking him to see me all the fucking time! It’s just in the first few weeks of a relationship I get a little over zealous in wanting to spend AS MUCH TIME AS BLOODY POSSIBLE with a new person. It’s that whole new relationship energy (NRE) that I’m totally addicted to- think of it like that new car smell…. you make excuses to get into your brand new car to drive it around, test its boundaries, and smell the awesome of newness! It’s like that! But that feeling gives way to a routine. Ok… we only see each other once or twice a week. Totally spiffy keen cool with me! But when we do it’s “us time.” I want it to be fun and flirty and non-stressful! Our lives are complicated enough, we needn’t make it moreso!
So instead of just saying, “hey, can we drop back the days that we see each other so that I dont’ feel too overwhelmed by the awesomeness of how this all feels?” He simply says “no more!” And that, ladies and gents, fucking sucks big fat sweaty donkey balls! It’s not fair!!! Don’t fucking promise me that you want to be with me, need to be with me, love me sooooo much, etc.; and then just fucking cut me off at the knees. Don’t promise me that I’m not just a replacement until your full-time relationship gets better, and then as soon as that one does improve, I’m kicked to the curb like a dirty diaper. That’s tres uncool!!! And it hurts! A lot!!!
I don’t want you gentle readers, to think ill of K. He’s an AMAZING man! He is funny and sweet and caring and smart and full of awesome. He’s just young and somewhat inexperienced as far as relationships go (and I’m talking any sort of relationship). And it’s to be expected. He’s young. I’m trying to tell myself that over and over again whenever I feel a bout of depression or a panic attack coming on from how sucky I feel over this whole fucking situation!
It frustrates me when I see something so amazing and beautiful and soooo incredibly full of potential. And then I see it go up in a firey flame of shit when it doesn’t need to. When someone is too damned scare to take the risk. Love is worth the risk dammit! If you really connect with someone, and you really and truly care for another, it’s worth the risk to see how far and see how lovely the whole journey can go. And I was so looking forward to experiencing that with K.
And now I dont’ know wtf is going on? I haven’t seen him in like a week and a half. We’re supposed to have dinner tomorrow night, and I’m terrified. I’m terrified of coming off as an idiot. I’m afraid of coming off as too aggressive or needy or whiny or whatever. I don’t know what to expect??? Is it ok if I hug him? Is it ok if I kiss him? Will he kiss me if I wait for him to make the first move? Has he tried to put me back in my original little compartment of “friend” that he had stuck me in from the beginning so that he could deny his true feelings for me? I ask people to let me know where I stand with them so that I don’t make an absolutely IDIOT out of myself. And I have absofuckinglutely noooo clue where I stand with him presently! I dont’ know if he still loves me (in a romantic sense) and wants to acknowledge it; or just pretend that he feeligns nothing for me? He says he doesn’t ever want me to question or doubt his love, and his being in-love with me. But he won’t even say the words now. Hell, he won’t even call me “sweetie” like he used to. I think he’s afraid of hurting me further? Or that if he acknowledges to me, or to himself, his feelings for me, allows himself to feel his intense feelings for me, then he’s going to lose all control and resolve around me? I’ve been told I do that to people. That they try to be a certain way around me, try to not think about their feelings around me, and then as soon as they are near me it all goes to pot and they immediately fall in love with me again. Or something??? I dunno. I have no clue how I have this effect on people, but apparently i do… over and over and over again.
I apologize, I know I’m completely rambling in this post. And I know it’s not my typical positive post of polyamory. However, this is reality. This is how life works. My life is farrr from perfect. My life is not tidy and neat and fitting in a little box (even if it’s a box that isn’t the same as most people’s boxes). My life is fucking messy as hell! My emotions go all over the place. My interest wanders greatly (I attribute it to being a Pisces and being a cat). Scot told me that I can’t let my emotions rule my life (especially in regards to letting them give me panic attacks). But feelings are not always rational. And I am certainly not always a rational person! I try really hard to keep myself in check, keep my feelings in control. But being as passionate as I am- when I’m up I’m soooo far high! And when I’m low I fucking crash and burn. And lately I’ve crashed hardcore b/c I was feeling so fantastically high from K!
Poor Alan. He’s been so sweet and supportive through this. Scot has too, dont’ get me wrong. But with my school and work schedule, my poor hubby barely gets to see me in an awaken state. So he’s not having to listen to me rant and rave and cry as much as Alan. And this has been soooo incredibly hard on Alan. But he just keeps telling me not to worry about it. That he loves me no matter what and that he wants me to be happy and he wants me to talk to him about my feelings. He’s so amazing like that.
**** totally unrelated: fuck it’s cold in this Starbucks! Shit on toast!!****
so yeah. I’ve had migraines for over a month now. I had panic attacks all last week to where I missed school b/c I couldn’t stop sobbing and didn’t want to disrupt my classroom. I’ll be somewhat ok one minute, and the next I am a ball of tears and snot. I have no fucking clue what K is thinking right now. He won’t tell me. I don’t know if he’s feeling fucked up and horrible about the pain he’s caused me. I don’t know if he’s hating not seeing me and really talking to me? Or perhaps he’s happy that he’s not dealing with me as much anymore? Was I really as important as he initially said I was to him? Did he really mean all the lovely and wonderful things he said? Or was it just to please me? If you love someone as deeply as he expressed he did, how does that change so drastically within a matter of days? And if you truly love someone, how do you NOT try to work it out and come to some sort of resolution that works for both parties involved? There’s just so much shit that I honestly just DON’T get right now. And I have no idea if I should ask him when I see him tomorrow?! do I let him know how I’m feeling? Or do I just pretend that all the awesomeness we had didn’t really happen, and just try in vain to act and pretend like “just a friend”? WTF do I do?!!!!
I really and truly hate all this uncertainty. It’s like a big black nasty ass cloud that is hanging over my head! And I want to just figure it all out so I can fucking move on in my life! I feel stuck and out of control! And I hateeeee that!
I really really reallyyy want things to work out with K. He is awesome and amazing and I feel such a connection with him (and having the whole DS aspect is pretty fucking spiffy too). And I really really don’t want to lose that. I dont’ know what’s going to happen. And I hate that. I hope he figures out what he needs to figure out. And I desperately hope and pray that whatever he figures out, includes me in his life in some sort of romantic capacity. Is that too selfish of me to ask? Probably… but the heart wants what the heart wants.
Dammit all to hell!