The phrase, “Baby, we need to talk,” tends to instill fear in the hearts of any married or dating couple. Our blood runs ice cold as we begin to fret and imagine all sorts of insanely awful scenarios as to why our significant other is uttering such blasphemy.
Communication is key to any relationship. But “check ups” or “check ins” are a HUGEEEE necessity in a poly relationship. I tend to have them indvidually with Alan and Scot. It’s important to have that alone time to be able to freely discuss anything. It is important to me that they feel that there is a safe space to say whatever you need and want to say.
So last night I talked with Alan. We both weren’t feeling very well (stupid tummy issues), and we were both dog tired; so a heart to heart might not have been the best thing to do so late at night. But such things tend to occur deep in the night when my mind wanders off into the ethos. So we held one another, staring into each other’s eyes deeply, and we opened up and spoke of fears, worries, needs, wants, hopes, etc. Alan and I have recently talked about my need for being with other people. He’s known this from the onset of our relationship, and it is very difficult for him. And I hate that I hurt him (and Scot), but my need to express my love for my friends in such an intimate way. As I’ve stated before, I certainly do not feel this type of deeply emotional and physical connection with all of my friends. But it does happen sometimes.
To Alan though, it just doesn’t occur to him to even glance at another woman and feeling anything for them; because he’s in love with me and only me. And he can’t understand or wrap his head around how I can be completely in love with him, yet still love others. It’s really really difficult for him on many levels. Just as it is for Scot. They both just don’t understand. Scot has known me for so long, over half of our lives, and he’s had to deal with me being me for way longer. So while he may not understand it completely, I think maybe he’s just gotten either more used to it or numb to it to a small degree? I’m not sure. I could be completely wrong. It could cut him to the heart every time I tell him I’m interested in someone else. And again, knowing I’m hurting the man, the men, I love with the fundamental way I am… well, it sucks and it hurts me and crushes me. But I don’t know how to be any other way. I’ve tried desperately to NOT be poly; to just be in a monogamous relationship with someone. But the more I try to deny it, the more those feelings shove themselves in my face, and the more I feel that I am losing myself. Losing me. And it doesn’t make it right or better, and it doesn’t excuse the hurt I cause either Alan or Scot. It’s confusing and frustrating and hurtful, and I can’t change it. All I can do is ask for patience and forgiveness, and pray that neither of them will one day say, “Screw this I can’t take it anymore,” and leave my sorry ass.
They have both expressed that when I tell them that I’m crushing on someone else, that it makes them wonder what they’re failing at, what are they being deficient at or not fulfilling for me. And I try to tell them, it honestly and truly is NOT them failing or falling short. It really isn’t. My love for them absolutely, unequivocably does not diminish. It never will. I will love both of them with my very last breath, and beyond into eternity. It’s just that my heart grows and I begin to love someone else too. And I know that most people just can’t get it. I totally understand. Hell, it doesn’t make sense to me sometimes either! I question myself constantly why? What made me be like this? I think it’s both nature and nurture. I think partly it is because I was born this way, but it was most certainly fueled by the life I’ve had.
So last night I listened to Alan, and tried my best to allay his fears. Seeing tears fall from his eyes broke my heart. All I could do was hold him, comfort him, and tell him over and over again how much I love him. We both knew this was going to be complicated and I can only hope that he’ll stick it out with me, because I want to be with him for the rest of my life; just as I want to be with Scot forever as well.
My soul truly did shatter when I waas made, and I’m finding pieces of myself along my dance, my journey of life. And all I can do is love and try not to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be selfish or be a bad person.
… and now I want to cry….