Baby, there’s something we need to talk about

  The phrase, “Baby, we need to talk,” tends to instill fear in the hearts of any married or dating couple. Our blood runs ice cold as we begin to fret and imagine all sorts of insanely awful scenarios as to why our significant other is uttering such blasphemy.

Communication is key to any relationship. But “check ups” or “check ins” are a HUGEEEE necessity in a poly relationship. I tend to have them indvidually with Alan and Scot. It’s important to have that alone time to be able to freely discuss anything. It is important to me that they feel that there is a safe space to say whatever you need and want to say.

So last night I talked with Alan. We both weren’t feeling very well (stupid tummy issues), and we were both dog tired; so a heart to heart might not have been the best thing to do so late at night. But such things tend to occur deep in the night when my mind wanders off into the ethos. So we held one another, staring into each other’s eyes deeply, and we opened up and spoke of fears, worries, needs, wants, hopes, etc. Alan and I have recently talked about my need for being with other people. He’s known this from the onset of our relationship, and it is very difficult for him. And I hate that I hurt him (and Scot), but my need to express my love for my friends in such an intimate way. As I’ve stated before, I certainly do not feel this type of deeply emotional and physical connection with all of my friends. But it does happen sometimes.

To Alan though, it just doesn’t occur to him to even glance at another woman and feeling anything for them; because he’s in love with me and only me. And he can’t understand or wrap his head around how I can be completely in love with him, yet still love others. It’s really really difficult for him on many levels. Just as it is for Scot. They both just don’t understand. Scot has known me for so long, over half of our lives, and he’s had to deal with me being me for way longer. So while he may not understand it completely, I think maybe he’s just gotten either more used to it or numb to it to a small degree? I’m not sure. I could be completely wrong. It could cut him to the heart every time I tell him I’m interested in someone else. And again, knowing I’m hurting the man, the men, I love with the fundamental way I am… well, it sucks and it hurts me and crushes me. But I don’t know how to be any other way. I’ve tried desperately to NOT be poly; to just be in a monogamous relationship with someone. But the more I try to deny it, the more those feelings shove themselves in my face, and the more I feel that I am losing myself. Losing me. And it doesn’t make it right or better, and it doesn’t excuse the hurt I cause either Alan or Scot. It’s confusing and frustrating and hurtful, and I can’t change it. All I can do is ask for patience and forgiveness, and pray that neither of them will one day say, “Screw this I can’t take it anymore,” and leave my sorry ass.

They have both expressed that when I tell them that I’m crushing on someone else, that it makes them wonder what they’re failing at, what are they being deficient  at or not fulfilling for me. And I try to tell them, it honestly and truly is NOT them failing or falling short. It really isn’t. My love for them absolutely, unequivocably does not diminish. It never will. I will love both of them with my very last breath, and beyond into eternity. It’s just that my heart grows and I begin to love someone else too. And I know that most people just can’t get it. I totally understand. Hell, it doesn’t make sense to me sometimes either! I question myself constantly why? What made me be like this? I think it’s both nature and nurture. I think partly it is because I was born this way, but it was most certainly fueled by the life I’ve had.

So last night I listened to Alan, and tried my best to allay his fears. Seeing tears fall from his eyes broke my heart. All I could do was hold him, comfort him, and tell him over and over again how much I love him. We both knew this was going to be complicated and I can only hope that he’ll stick it out with me, because I want to be with him for the rest of my life; just as I want to be with Scot forever as well.

My soul truly did shatter when I waas made, and I’m finding pieces of myself along my dance, my journey of life. And all I can do is love and try not to hurt anyone. I don’t want to be selfish or be a bad person.

… and now I want to cry….


5 thoughts on “Baby, there’s something we need to talk about

  1. You’re doing what you’re supposed to do “being honest” about your thoughts and actions. We can’t be responsible for people staying where they aren’t comfortable. Honesty trances Love; we have to be honest with who we are and what we want out of this life. I am not a poly lover; I believe in monogamy, but if I was with you and you told me from the beginning, who you are and your intentions, I won’t expect change. All we can give anyone is choice and promise them to always give them choices. A great person doesn’t keep secrets; they expose their thoughts and put their actions on display. It’s up to the other parties to decide if they can deal with it or not. They may decide to leave which may cause us to change our priorities. Relationships are a faith and as long as that faith comes with total honesty; you should be able to looking in the mirror and accept yourself. This is the life that you chose (or that chose for you) and your partners have to decide it that is for them. Two (three) people should believe they are made for one another not be forced to change one another. Love of self stems from surround yourself with others that understand themselves. Your partners need to take responsibility for their pain because they are staying when they have the option to go.

    • Love is about honesty. And I agree, I try to be open and honest with both Scot and Alan, as well as any other potential partners I might have, about who and what I am. And I let each of them know that I will totally understand if they don’t or can’t deal with it and need to leave.

      Gods bless them for staying with them. Most of the time I don’t feel that I deserve them. They are both so patient and loving to me.

  2. Oy. This is a hard thing.

    Sometimes people can “get” poly intellectually but not emotionally. Sometimes people just have problems with sexual jealousy.

    One of the problems I had with The Ex (cf my blog) was that she wanted to go into detail, constantly, about her other lovers. I didn’t have a problem with her HAVING other lovers, but it got tedious when it felt like she was BRAGGING about them. I knew she was poly (so am I), so the idea that she saw other men was par for the course. But the constant reminder that I was just one of a crowd — with the implication that I could be replaced at any time, that I wasn’t special, that I wasn’t important — that was pretty disrespectful. I don’t know anything about your relationships, but might I suggest that you spare Alan and Scot the details? They don’t need to *know* that you’re crushing hard. They don’t need to *know* that the sex was AMAZING. All you HAVE to tell them is that you’re seeing someone new.

    But ultimately, you may be forced to make hard choices. It sounds like Alan (and maybe Scot, to a lesser degree) just isn’t polyamorous and isn’t really OKAY with polyamory. And being in a relationship with a polyamorous person sort of forces you to either BE poly, or at least come to a good place with it. Dating Alan, I hate to tell you, is going to bring up this kind of scene over and over again, where you end up hurting him *simply because of who you are*. It’s not his fault; he’s not poly! It’s not your fault; you are poly! It’s just… not a good match as lovers. Maybe as friends, but not as lovers.

    Just my (unasked for) two cents 🙂

    Regardless… *hugs* This stuff is hard.

    • Scot and I have come to the realization that he is poly. It’s an interesting thing to discover after knowing each other so long.

      It’s much harder on Alan. But he loves me and wants to be with me and wants me to be happy. So as long as I effectively and openly communicate (such as telling him that I’ve got a crush), then he can process and come to terms with it. We talk about it and come to some sort of resolution that works for us. Yes it’s hard as hell on him, but he’d much rather me say that I’ve got a crush, let’s figure out what this means, then just tell him I’ve got a new someone. To him, that would make him feel that he doesn’t have a say in the matter. No, I’m not going to be all like “holy crap K is an amazing kisser!” I just let him know we’ve kissed. Alan is a part of my soul, and he is a perfect partner for me- we just know and acknowledge that this one part is a bit complicated for us. But we make it work because we truly love each other.

      And Scot and I make it work because we truly love each other. He’s just had a longer time of being with me and seeing how I am with such things.

      To them both, I don’t know how they put up with me. They’re saints! Most days I feel like I don’t deserve them. They’re so awesome and amazing and loving and put up with my form of crazy (depression and OCD ).

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