So I somewhat alluded to this in a recent post, but I have developed a huge crush on a friend of mine. I spoke with Alan about it (you remember that post), and then I spoke with Scot when i got home. That dear man, I didn’t have to even say a word. I came home from work and was emotional- I’m always emotional when I’m trying to muster up the courage to start one of these discussions that can leave my stomach twisted in knots. And why do you ask? Because there is a great possibility that i will say something that will absolutely crush them.
So anyways, I asked him to come to bed and snuggle with me for a bit, and talk. So cuddling into him, the tears started flowing as I’m apt to do. And I said, “I’ve got a crush on someone.” And he immediately tells me, “I already knew that. I knew last night as soon as you mentioned K. I know you and how you are.” And he is absolutely right, he does know me.
So who is K? He is someone that I met a few years ago. The way in which we met was amusing; and the moment I looked into his crystalline eyes, instant crush. We instantly became friends and looked forward to seeing each other. But friends we stayed. He was in a closed relationship, and my relationship with Alan was freshly new and it just never crossed my mind. So I think we both tried to keep our feelings squashed down and stay “in the friend zone.” But situations changed, and recently we started hanging out more. And there was the ability to talk about our crush on one another. And we realized that we’ve both been attracted to each other, and really liked each other. So we started talking about what this means, and what we want. He has known from the very beginning about Alan and Scot; and he respects them both greatly (even though he’s never met Scot). We know we cannot have a full-time relationship; we both have our own established lives. However, we know that we have feelings for one another, and we want to explore them. And we are content with no labels, and just seeing what this is and where it is going. We’re both scared, but we’re also both excited.
So I had to discuss boundaries that Scot and Alan are both comfortable with. And in talking with Scot, we both came to some realizations. Scot admitted that it doesn’t really bother him so much anymore when I start to fall for someone. He knows I love him, and that I’m not going to leave him; so he’s ok with it. And even more astounding, he has come to recognize that he too is poly!!!! Like holy crap! Talk about a revelation! He knows that he’s grown up being told that he shouldn’t love more than one person at a time. And yet, for most of his sexual years, he has loved more than one person. And with pretty much all of our years together, he’s loved another woman besides me. And it’s always been the normal for us. Yet I guess neither of us recognized it for what it was. It was just Scot loving this woman or that one for whichever reason. And it’s always been fine for me because I love him and want him to be happy. How funny is that? He’s been poly all this time and neither of us noticed! Ha! It really just seems so crazy to finally see it after almost twenty years of knowing each other.
So I was supposed to spend some time with K tonight. Alan was feeling a little worried and nervous, and I just had to remind him over and over again how much I love him, and how nothing will change that. And I think he finally felt better. Then K texts me and is also having a mini-meltdown; which throws me into a tailspin because now I’m upset and worried about both Alan and K. So I start having a panic attack and freaking out. I meet up with K, dinner on hold, and we just go somewhere and talk. I cried, a lot. This is all so new and fragile in its infancy, and I think we’re both fearful of our feelings, and of not only hurting each other, but of hurting our significant others. (And in case you’re wondering, yes, his s/o knows about me… again, total honesty with all parties is absolutely vital to me).
I believe that the discussion ended well. No need to rush, and no need to push. Just let it be what it is meant to be; no labels. I don’t want to ruin this new possibility. He doesn’t want to ruin it either. We both are scared shitless that whatever this is will just fizzle out; or that we’ll somehow hurt one another in some way. But I don’t want our fear to screw this all up. It’s a thinly lined balancing act. I can only hope that I know how to walk this tightrope without falling off and taking everyone with me.
I guess everyone is scared. Scared of change. Scared of what me having a new partner (a new whatever this is) added to the mix means. Scot and Alan don’t want to lose their time with me. And I totally get that. Scot knows that my love for him won’t diminish. It’s harder for Alan because he well and truly is wired for monogamy. I told him today that our “honeymoon phase” isn’t over. We will always have it as long as we always act to have it.
Today Scot told me that he’s started talking to two different girls on a website. One of them is a Buffy fan (awesome!!), and has seen Lost Skeleton of Cadavra 1 and 2!!! (major bonus points for this!); as well saying that I’m “awesome sauce” even though she’s never met me. So yeah, I’m totally like, “You have to go out with her! Set it up immediately! And if she’s really cute, we need to tag team her!” He laughed (over text) and told me that I shouldn’t put the cart before the house, like I normally do. So I made a very inappropriate joke and he laughed some more. I love that man. So hopefully he will find himself a cute and wonderful girl to spend time with and love. I think it would be amazing for him.
So yeah, this is life right now. Juggle work and school, husband and boyfriend, loads of cats and a dog… and develop and nurture a new… something. And try not to screw up anything along the way. I pray I don’t mess any of it up, with any of them. I pray to the gods that listen, let me just love them. Let me show them how much I love them, and not screw it up. Please. Amen.