loss of love

Things with K have abruptly ended; he just sort of stopped talking to me with no explanation. Part of me really wants to confront him and ask him why? but I realize that asking why is fairly pointless; it doesn’t matter what his reasoning is. Bottom line, he dropped off the face of the planet (as far as he’s concerned with me anyways) and never said goodbye or here’s why I need to end this relationship or whatever. Nothing. Zero. Radio silence. I understand life happens. I understand we all get busy with family, friends, work, issues, whatever. But to not receive a single fucking text, email, call, smoke signal, nothing, for over two months. That’s just ridiculous. I’ve lost my cat (Alan’s kitty actually,,,but I’ve been with Petey for four years now, so he’s kinda mine too), my mom has been in the hospital multiple times, and I just celebrated my 38th birthday. And during none of these events did K so much as bother to send a text saying “hope you’re ok.” And that hurts. It’s fucking sucky to think that someone I shared my love with cares so little about me. I feel used. I feel cheated. I feel dismissed. I feel small.

I’m used to the fact that he’d go for long periods of time non-communicado. He always gave some half assed explanation- oh my phone has been wonky tended to be the one used most. I’m sorry…. in this day and age he could have reached out to me in more ways that just text/call. He has my email, he has a work phone, he has facebook. He has all the things. And he failed to make the effort.

I think that’s what bothers me most. I really made the effort in this relationship. I was constantly the one reaching out to him in a variety of ways, and he only minimally responded. So of course now I think to myself, “why did I allow myself to be used like this?” I got enjoyment out of the time we were together, so I guess that’s why I allowed bad behavior to continue. For a few hours when in his presence I felt special, desirable, loved. And then he’d be gone for a month or more, and I’d be left questioning and over-analyzing and lamenting.

so stupid. I’m a kick ass woman. I love with all of my heart. I’m an amazing friend and lover. I was a really good friend to him (because more than anything friendship is always the foundation of any relationship to me). I work really hard at not being too demanding or “high maintenance” to anyone around me. And I don’t feel that seeing a partner at least once a month and conversing every day (even if it’s just a text to say “good morning” and “sleep well”) is too much to ask for . But apparently in this case it was.

So now I suppose it’s over, and I have no idea why. I miss K. I miss his smile and especially his eyes. I miss kissing him and listening to music together. More than anything I miss his friendship. But I can’t help but wonder if I really ever had his friendship? Because he seems to be a good friend to the other people in his life, so I’m not sure why he acted in such a way towards me?

I’m having similar feelings of loss with Scot. I know we’re divorced, and he’s moved on with GG and may already even be married to her (I don’t know), but for knowing someone for twenty years, it kills me that he’s not even bothered to say “happy birthday” or “hope you’re mom is ok” or anything. I know he needs time as is usually the case after a divorce, but it still sucks. He was my best friend. We have been through hell and back together, but I guess he’s lost forever. It breaks my heart.

I understand that people come into and out of our lives when we need them/have learned our lesson from their presence. Life is cyclical and it happens. We lose people so that we may make space for something new and necessary to enter into our lives. But it doesn’t lessen the hurt any. It doesn’t make it any less sucky when someone that we love and care about steps away from our life.

I’m sorry dear readers. I’m just in a bit of a dark space lately. And I have so much to be thankful for. But the depression and daily migraines and the rigamaro of life is making it hard at times to celebrate when being bombarded with heartache and bullshit.

There is so much muddling around in my brain. I have so much I want to write. I just have to find the time and open myself up enough to let it flow out. I really want to write a new chapter/story for my novel to share with you all. Yup… let me focus on sex and sensuality.. that will most definitely cheer me up. ­čÖé

Love y’all!

When communication fails…communicate some more!

Alan and I are both suffering from really really┬á bad bouts of depression for the last several months (for entirely different reasons). Unfortunately neither one of us have gone to see someone to talk to about it, nor have we gone to the doctor to see about meds. I normally take Zoloft for my depression as a daily preventative for my migraines; but alas I am almost out… and I’ve been uber horrible about taking them on a consistent basis for like the last year (because I suck).

So things have been kinda rough for us for the past month or so. We haven’t been as cuddly, we’ve been kind of quick to anger, and in general we’ve been a little, well, not “us.” And it fucking sucks! I miss the way our relationship the way we’re used to it! Because our relationship usually is lots of hand holding and groping and sex and laughter and little touches and kisses and kittens and rainbows dammit! And we haven’t had rainbows for a bit now (booooo).

So a few weeks ago we sat down and had the uncomfortable conversation of what was on his mind that needed fixing in our relationship. Namely, I’ve started seeing a new person (I know I know.. I need to seriously update you guys on all this!!!) and I didn’t communicate with Alan effectively about it. Which is totally my bad and something┬áI need to work on. The issue is, is that with his being hard wired mono, I never know exactly what to say to him, ie how much details to give him. So I point blank told him that, finally, and he told me, finally, what he needs. He needs me to tell him when I’m dating someone new. Don’t skirt around the issue and be all like, “I’m gonna go hang out with my friend Te,” which really means, “so yeah… I’m going on a date with Te and possibly doing other stuff but I don’t want to say that because I don’t want to hurt you or punch you in your crazy.”

So there it is, I’m dating, casually???, Te. And I’ll dive more into that whole thing later.

The other reason that this upset Alan is because when I originally told him that I was crushing on Te, I said that I told Te that it wasn’t exactly the best time to be getting in a new relationship. Which it wasn’t. I’m dealing with family issues, Alan’s kitty recently passed away (a major contributing factor to his depression), and we’re both dealing with depression so things between us are a little shaky. But instead of only saying “It’s probably not the best time to be getting in a new relationship” I should have followed up that thought with “But I’m going to do it anyways.”

After our conversation there was a lot of reaffirmation of love and promises to endeavor to be better in communicating things (on my end), and other such necessities.

Then this past weekend was my turn to tell him what I’m missing and what I need: more physical reaffirmation. I miss the making out (like you couldn’t tell from my previous post) and the hand holding and kissing and all the little touches and all that stuff (see above). Unfortunately me telling him about what he’s NOT doing made me think that I was eluding to me leaving him… which is sooooo NOT what I was trying to say! The exact opposite actually! What I was saying was: hey you there! Alan! I love you, like a whole metric fuck ton, and I need you to put your arms and lips and other parts of you close to me and on me so that I can feel your love!

So there it is… communication. And it kinda failed a bit… so we had to do more of it. I have to assure him that I’m not gettin luvins elsewhere while he’s all depressed, and I need him to assure me that his luvins are coming my way soon-ish.

Basically the whole point of this post is this:: talk to each other for crying out loud! You need to have the difficult talks! If either of you just fucking skirt around the issue, then you’re not telling your partner what you need from them. And that is disrespectful to you, your partner, and your relationship. If you’re going to have a relationship, and especially if you’re going to have multiple relationships, then have the balls to have the fucking difficult talks. Be an adult!!!